Kian (War Cats Book 5) Page 5

  And they were War Cats. It was all about being a badass, a warrior, strong as steel and never backing down. Having a submissive for a queen would definitely be unacceptable.

  Maybe Kian did deserve to have his mate by his side. Maybe he did deserve the kind of happiness only having his mate at his side could bring him. But he didn’t deserve to have a mate like her, and the fates had definitely been cruel in making her his.

  Sighing, she turned away from the window, her mind going in circles. She’d do what she told Kelly and think about it some more, but she was pretty sure she wasn’t going to change her mind. When the time came, and she could leave without putting herself or others in danger, she was going to walk away and try her best not to look back.

  Kian stared at his closed study door for long minutes after Zane stomped out, rubbing his fingers into his temples. His cousin had given him hell, but he probably deserved it. He shouldn’t have gone after the person following him and Jessica, he knew that. But all he’d been able to think about was ending the threat hovering over his mate’s head.

  Mate.

  He still couldn’t believe she knew and hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t, either, but he had his reasons, and they all revolved around making sure she stayed safe. But for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what reason she could have for not saying anything.

  The way it was going, though, he’d never find out. He couldn’t ask her without letting on he knew what they were to each other, and he couldn’t do that until she was safe. And he had no idea when that would happen. Things had gotten better with the tribe, but as long as the Drako threat was hanging over their heads, he couldn’t risk it.

  But the yearning he felt to be around her, the pull his tiger felt toward her, seemed like it intensified a thousand-fold since he realized she knew they were mates. All he wanted, all day long, was to be next to her. He didn’t even care what they were doing—they didn’t have to talk or interact in any way. He just wanted to be close to her.

  Exhaling, he pushed his chair back from his desk. He told himself he was going in search of something to eat, but he knew in his gut where he was going—to find Jessica. With the way he was feeling, it was probably best to stay away from her even more than he already did. But regardless of whether he should have taken off after the stalker that morning or not, it still brought home an important fact.

  Life was short. If he hadn’t noticed the footprints, if whoever it was had gotten the jump on them, Jessica could have been taken away from him. Forever. Just like that. And he couldn’t ignore that knowledge, or shove it in the recesses of his mind where he couldn’t think of it. It was the opposite, really. He couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  Yes, go to our mate. Spend time with her. Maybe it’ll make you realize how much we need her, and how stupid it is to wait to claim her, his tiger said inside him, urging him on.

  Kian rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t deny his cat was speaking his truth. It was just that the animal didn’t understand how much more danger she’d be in once he claimed her. Right then, it was Drako. But if he claimed her, it’d be Drako and any pissed off tribe members running around.

  If it comes down to pissed off tribe members, you might never be able to claim her. There’s always going to be a pissed off War Cat. There’s always going to be someone who wants your position. That’ll never change.

  Pausing with his hand on the doorknob, Kian felt his eyebrows raise as he thought about his tiger’s words. They were true, really. No matter what he did with the tribe, whether he changed rules or not, there would always be someone out to take him down. The threat could come from inside the tribe or out. That came with the territory of being the alpha of one of the most powerful groups of shifters on the planet.

  There would always be someone gunning for him and his position, and his mate would always be in a vulnerable position, because there were those who wouldn’t think twice about using her to get to him.

  Dropping his forehead to the cool wood of the door, he exhaled heavily. His heart at leapt at that realization, because he thought for a moment that gave him the all clear to pursue Jessica. But it didn’t, not really. Yeah, that was all true, but it didn’t mean he still didn’t have a responsibility to make sure she was as safe as she could be. And right now, she wasn’t.

  Fuck. He didn’t know what he was going to do. What he knew was that he didn’t want to think about it right now. He wanted to spend time with his mate, get to know her better. Even if he kept on his course and waited to claim her, spending time wouldn’t make a difference in the end. He was strong enough to do what was best for her.

  Mind made up, he left the study and headed toward the wing her rooms were in, spying Kelly and Zane slipping out as he did so. Good, she’d be alone, then. He’d rather it just be him and her, and he couldn’t deny feeling relieved that he wouldn’t show up to her rooms for no reason when Kelly was around. Zane’s mate was enough to give him shivers with how deeply she could see into a person. She’d see in an instant why he was seeking Jessica out.

  He slowed as he neared Jess’s room, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans. He didn’t know why he was so nervous now, but he was. It was a good thing the tribe members who weren’t happy with him didn’t know a woman could fill him with nerves. It would make them think he was soft, because he wasn’t acting like a warrior at all right now. Warriors weren’t supposed to get nervous. They were supposed to be strong and steady above all things.

  Not just any woman. Our mate. That makes all the difference, his tiger said softly.

  Somehow, I don’t think they’d care about the distinction, he replied with a wry smile.

  Lifting his hand to knock, he paused when he saw that Jessica’s door was already open. He peeked in, opening his mouth to call out, but paused, his head cocking in puzzlement as he watched her. She had her back to a sharp corner in her room and was rubbing herself against the corner, a look that was half concentration and half bliss on her face.

  She was clearly trying to scratch an itch, and he didn’t want to interrupt her. But he waited for long moments and she continued to rub. A slight frown gathered on his brow as he watched her. She was going to end up scratching herself raw if she kept that up, but she didn’t seem to care right now.

  He hovered for a moment longer and then finally cleared his throat softly. “Hey, Jessica. You okay?”

  She startled hard, one hand coming up to her chest as she whirled around to look at him. An expression of sheepishness—and was that guilt?—crossed her face as she blushed.

  “Kian. I didn’t see you. I didn’t even realize my door was open, actually. Kelly must not have closed it when she left.”

  “I didn’t mean to startle you. You seemed like you were concentrating hard.”

  Her blush intensified and she shrugged. “It was itching pretty badly. Sorry. Did you need something?”

  He didn’t bother to tell her she didn’t need to apologize. She did it all the time, whether it was needed or not. It was part of her submissive personality. And though he had the strangest urge to keep questioning her about the itch, he forced himself to let it go. He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly fixated on it. It really wasn’t a big deal, but something inside him had grabbed onto it like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t let go.

  “Do you mind if I come in?” he asked, gesturing at the living room of her suite of rooms.

  Shock crossed her gorgeous features and she nodded hesitantly. “S-sure, I guess, if you want to.”

  Flashing her a smile, he walked in, looking around. He’d seen this room quite a few times over the years, but he found himself looking at it differently for some reason. Like he was trying to read her heart through her furnishings, which was just plain weird. It unsettled him, so he focused his attention on her and ignored the room.

  “No, I don’t need anything,” he said, finally answering her question. “I just thought I’d come say hey. See if you enjoyed your visit with Kelly, and
how you’re doing after what happened.”

  Shock flashed in her eyes again as she studied him. It looked like she was trying to decipher his words, like she was trying to find hidden meaning. There was none, though. What he said was what he meant. She sank down onto the couch as she watched him, and he followed suit, sitting next to her. But not too closely. He didn’t want to scare her off, and he didn’t need to test his own patience and willpower any more than he was just by being around her.

  “I enjoyed my visit with Kelly,” she replied slowly, her eyes still confused.

  Then the confusion cleared and a little spark of ire appeared. He watched in fascination, never having seen it before. Her eyes had never been anything but shy and friendly pools of chocolate, but right then, they were practically spitting fire at him. As the spark grew hotter, she leaned back and—was she rubbing her back on the couch? Brow furrowing, he watched her closely. Yeah, she was, although she was trying to be subtle about it. A feeling he wasn’t sure he could identify filled his gut. It felt like a mixture of confusion, concern, and this strange certainty that he was watching her change into someone, something, different than who she’d always been. Shaking off the ridiculous thought, he focused on her as she continued speaking.

  “I’m fine. But speaking of your little stunt, again, what the hell were you thinking? You’re the alpha. You’re not the average warrior who can just go investigate any little thing. You have to think of what would happen to this tribe if something happened to you. Not only that, but most of the tribe members like you. They’d be hurt if something happened to you.”

  Kian could feel his eyes widen as he stared at her. He’d known her for sixteen years and he’d never once heard her speak like that. Not even to a friend, let alone to the alpha or a noble. And it wasn’t that she spoke unfairly. Everything she was saying was true, and Zane had said even more, with a lot less diplomacy.

  But he’d never heard her give an opinion on anything, let alone so passionately. It was a new side of her, and he had to admit, he liked it. He’d always enjoyed Jessica. Even the meek, mild, and timid version. But the one who just did the equivalent of telling him off, Jessica-style—the one who just spoke her mind with fire in her eyes—her, he felt drawn to in a way he hadn’t experienced before. He always wanted to be around her, but this version was irresistible.

  Silence rang through the room for a moment while he tried to gather his thoughts, and then he finally cleared his throat. “I appreciate your concern, Jess. I really do. But I couldn’t take the chance that they’d get to you. I had to try to protect you, and the best way to do that is take out the threat completely.”

  “I’m sorry, but that’s still not a good enough excuse. You’re too important to go around risking yourself for others, Kian.”

  He could feel a frown forming on his brow and his eyes narrowed as he stared at her. “You’re important too, Jess—”

  “No,” she interrupted, shaking her head adamantly, a storm gathered in her eyes. “Not like you. You’re the alpha of one of the most powerful tribes around. All alphas are important, but not like you. If the wrong person managed to take your place, it would be disaster. And you mean too much to the tribe. If something happened to me, my friends would mourn. But no one else would even notice if I was gone. If something happened to you, not only would the tribe grieve, but shifter hell would break loose. And you know that as well as I do, so stop shaking your head at me.”

  Anger was rushing through his veins, and he tried to rein it in. What she was saying actually made sense from a practical viewpoint, but it still pissed him the hell off. Him and his tiger. His cat was pacing in his chest, hissing constantly, upset over the way she was putting him above herself.

  He tried to tamp the emotions down, but his voice was still like ice when he spoke. “I am not more important than you, Jessica. And I better not ever hear you talk like that again, do you understand? Ever.”

  Jessica’s eyes narrowed, the ire sparking hotter in her gaze as she rubbed her back against the cushions in jerky movements, not bothering to try to hide what she was doing. But then she suddenly stilled, the fire fading from her gaze as her eyes widened, and she stopped her movements as she stared at him.

  “Why do you care whether I think you’re more important?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

  Stilling, he gazed at her before his eyes darted around her room, trying to think of an excuse. Telling her he cared because she was his mate was unacceptable at this point. It was too soon. She wasn’t safe enough yet.

  But shifters could hear lies, so he couldn’t out and out lie to her, either. He’d have to be careful with his words. Fuck, he wished he could tell her the truth. Just lay it all out on the table for her so they could get on with their future together. Fucking Drako and fucking disgruntled tribe members. He thought they were doing more damage right then by keeping his mate from him than they would by actually taking his life. Because not claiming her was torture, and it was killing him slowly. As surely as that venomous snake would have. This was just a slow-moving poison that would take years to finish him off.

  “Every member of this tribe is important, Jess. No one should be more important than another.”

  What looked like disappointment flashed quickly through her eyes, but it was there and gone too fast for him to really see what it was. But in the next moment, they narrowed, and she stared at him with a look that made him think that even though he really felt that way and had been telling the truth, she wasn’t buying it as his excuse. But he didn’t think she’d call him out on it—

  “I don’t think I believe you. I mean, obviously you weren’t lying, but it’s like there’s something you’re not saying.”

  Aaaand, maybe she would call him out on it. “Who are you and what have you done with Jessica?”

  She looked taken aback by that, and her mouth opened and closed for a moment before she looked down, seeming to shrink in on herself. “I-I don’t know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have questioned you.”

  Shit, that wasn’t what he’d meant to do. She was back to looking like the timid Jess he’d always known, and that hadn’t been his intent. He was just surprised that she was speaking up. He didn’t want her going back to acting like she was scared of him.

  Reaching out, he touched a finger underneath her chin and lifted her face so she could meet his eyes. But he couldn’t speak right away. The sensations sparking from her skin to his were so powerful and intense, he lost his breath at the sensation. And for a moment, all he could do was revel in the way he felt when he touched her. He’d never experienced anything like that before, and it was just the touch of his finger to her chin. He couldn’t even imagine what further contact would do to him if just that was enough to make his whole world stop spinning.

  “No, that’s not what I meant,” he finally managed to get out, surprised at the husky tone of his voice. “I’ve been enjoying our conversation very much. It’s just so different from our interactions in the past. And you’re right. It’s not the same as it is with every other tribe member. But we’re not just Alpha and member, you and I. We played together as kids. We grew up together in this palace. We were close once upon a time. It would hurt me if I lost you, in a way it wouldn’t with anyone else.”

  She cocked her head, studying him with fathomless chocolate brown eyes, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what she was thinking. Once again, everything he said was the truth. But he skated a little too close to absolute truth when he told her a fraction of how he’d feel if he lost her.

  “Why are you really here, Kian?” she asked softly, still studying him in a way that unnerved him.

  Swallowing hard, he glanced away, fighting the urge to say fuck it and kiss her like he wanted to. To throw caution to the wind and tell her he knew that she knew they were mates. To tell her he knew it, too. That he wanted, more than anything, to claim her and spend the rest of his life with her.

  Do it. We can protec
t her. It doesn’t matter what comes our way. We’ll keep her safe. She’s safer with us than without us, his tiger urged, his voice taking on a pleading quality Kian had never heard before.

  The situation wasn’t just killing him. It was killing his cat, too. And he suddenly wasn’t sure how long they could keep this up. He knew it was best to keep away from her, but as strong as he considered himself emotionally, he suddenly wasn’t sure if he was strong enough for this.

  Maybe a compromise was in order. Maybe he could be with her, at least partially, without putting her in danger, under the guise of friendship. Or even starting a relationship, without telling her he knew they were mates. It felt deceptive, and he hated that, but it was better than nothing. He wasn’t sure it wouldn’t backfire, but at that point, he didn’t think he had a choice.

  Inhaling deeply, he then blew it out slowly as he reached out and touched his fingers to her hand, rubbing softly before capturing it in his. Her breath stuttered before catching as her eyes flew to his, a stunned expression in the brown depths, her lips parted in surprise.

  “Like I said. We were friends once before life got in the way. And I miss that. I miss you, Jess.”

  Her tongue darted out, wetting her lips, and nearly making him groan as desire rushed through his veins. Her fingers flexed underneath his as she took a shaky breath.

  “I’m right here, Kian. Where I’ve always been. We see each other nearly every day.”

  “We pass each other with barely a nod. We don’t spend time together like we used to. We don’t talk. So yeah, I miss you. We had a connection back then, you and I, and I want that again. I was hoping you’d be open to renewing our friendship.”

  “It’s been different. You’re the alpha now, with a lot of responsibilities. Besides, after you left to travel, I started becoming even more timid than I was before. More submissive. I withdrew from almost everyone. It’s only been since Kelly came that I began getting a little better, but it’s still been hard to talk to most everyone else. And you’re so dominant now. It makes the submissiveness in me worse.”